The Dark Light
As I write this, I feel the space around my heart full of an intense white light, and my breath feels clear and open with a blissful peace.
There is no substance in me other than oxygen and ambience.
Before this experience, my soul was in chaos. My soul was in a cauldron of darkness, lashing, writhing, it was as though my soul inside was the reflection of the state of my external world in 2022, where my other nodes wander the streets, alone, disconnected, angry, in trauma loops, on fentanyl, rabid, lost, and within a war between life and death, toxicity cries out mindlessly, this way and that.
Yes, this is in my soul too. Yes, as the same villain in every film says,
“You’re just like me. You are me. You just don’t want to admit it.”
I had seen the storms in others. The result of perversions and baggage. Now for the first time, I had absorbed all of this. I always absorb, I always take on. I meditated earlier on the idea that perhaps my “absorbing” is actually a form of “understanding”.
I have seen that mercy, kindness, love, grace, all of these things are actually an ‘understanding’, but we have classified the understanding into these categories.
Now, my soul in blackness, I had seen this before. Years before, I was in the hospital, and I saw blackness turn a red blood into what became a corruption, an irreversible destruction of life.
Now I experience what I have been shown. In my life, I have always filled with darkness, then been given over to light, and been healed and restored in the process.
This is the first time that the darkness has overtaken me such that it fits with the irreversible destruction I saw before. If I do come into light again past this, what was before will not be restored.
I will be a newborn in my soul.
In combination with taking on all of the darkness in an area,
I had been listening to Osho explain the Secret of the Golden Flower.
Osho had explained that man has been teaching and using this secret for centuries. He eventually explains it as a redirection of our own life source.
He models it out that we are expending all of our energy in massive wastes of power and that none of it is coming back to us,
and that the secret involves redirecting it back to us,
not unlike a boomerang, in which the energy leaves and comes back to us to complete a circle.
A little while after I heard this I came to think that he may be correct that this is a great secret, as I realized that angels and higher beings have always been depicted as having halos above their heads, a circle of light.
Before he had explained it at all however, he had mentioned that man should not attempt to use this himself, that he should be guided by a master that can take him through it all of the way.
I recall him saying that man might mistake himself for being a part of this process that he is not, and if this were to happen, he would be caught between two different worlds, not belonging to either one, and he called this a state of limbo. He stated that what would happen is the person would be ripped apart in their soul and they would become chaos,
I see this as a chaotic bomb or monster.
My current experience parallels with a concept from an Japanese anime From the New World, listed with the genres; Drama, Horror, Mystery, Sci-Fi, Supernatural.
I feel as though I am experiencing an implosion in my soul, that I might become a monster full of chaos, lashing out at the world. Even toxic and awfully vengeful thoughts have entered my consciousness against man, thoughts such that I have never had.
In this series [full and major plot spoilers follow], at some point in civilization, humans became psychic. Of the possible psychological disorders possible for humans as a result of this, one of these disorders labeled its sufferers as “Karmic Demons”.
These Karmic Demons represented my experience of a chaotic soul.
A character in the series falls victim to this, and wikipedia describes him as the following,
“Shun is the smartest and most composed of the group of friends and is able to think his way out of any situation. He is also very knowledgeable. Shun is also implied to be the most talented telekineticist of their generation.. Eventually he loses control of his telekinesis, turning him into a Karmic Demon.”
This character is seen to gradually become more withdrawn and depressed, distancing himself from his peers and falling into isolation and suicidal ideations as this change occurs.
This condition “causes bad spills of their subconscious that change their surrounds in an atomic level”.
It is shown that a “Karmic Demon” is a person that walks in chaos that destroys everything in its path.
Having encountered real life ‘chaos magick’, these concepts seem based in real spiritual phenomena. ‘Chaos’ users are often found to be enraged even by being mentioned in the light, and most that I have seen in writings basically defend the right to be spiritually free from all order, desiring autonomy in their destiny, that is, if there is any fate in the universe, they would choose to go outside of that.
I see this as the ultimate defense of subjective truth, and in demonstration I have seen this as permission to curse others and attack people who have wronged them.
For the rest, the concept seems rooted around gnostic ‘gnosis’ energy, which is often the practice of attaining mental states of deep reflection or recovering ‘free belief’. I do not believe either of these are actual “chaos”, but rather raw energy.
I see negative chaos as perhaps the changing of energy into a form that no longer has any light or life in it.
In the real world, all those that I have seen that I believe to be operating in actual chaos, in all of them I have felt the same signature, that of a festering wound that would hurt to be placed in the light.
I certainly have places of toxicity that have grown into these same festering wounds inside of me that I have experienced.
These people I have seen almost always also actually have festering physical wounds on their bodies that are not healing.
In their speech I have noticed this pattern,
the individual displays high intelligence,
an anger or rage at the stupidity of others,
pain, resentment, frustration,
desire for violence,
and a final pattern in speech.
This pattern is a speech that is not harmonious and appears “sickened”.
The individual speaks of truth and good things blended into things of the nature of that which is unwell, desires that would not be healthy for the person or others.
It is an interesting phenomenon because all of our speech is like this if we speak for truth, we are in a process of refining the truth in our words and we let go of what is not true in this process of refinement.
Pride and resentment causes these individuals to not work with this process.
What did the creator of that series know? Why would they write about this character? Did they experience their soul falling into chaos?
I have not listened to the end of Osho’s discourses on his secret.
I wonder what my timeline is to deal with what is in my heart.
